Human Resource Management Article - You're Not the Most Important Person in the Conversation

Ken Blanchard in his book, One Minute Manager, said this about the importance of communication: “Communication is the breakfast of Champions”. Whenever there is a breakdown between two or more persons it can usually be traced back to a breakdown in communication. It's either a lack of information, wrong information or not enough sharing of information amongst all the stakeholders. (Talking and communicating are two different things. I agree you can talk too much.) I define communication as an exchange of thoughts and ideas between two or more people. I don't think you can ever be accused of communicating too much.

Answer this question: Who do you believe is the most important person in the conversation? You (the sender), or them (the receiver)? "If the essence of communication is to send a message and have it received as it was intended, then you must keep in mind that you are not the most important person in the conversation. If the receiver doesn't "get it", then whatever you're saying means squat." Most participants in my "Powerful Communication Strategies" workshop agree that the receiver is the most important person in the conversation, yet when there is a breakdown in communicating we often blame the other person. We usually say things like, "Well they must not have been paying attention." "If they didn't know that, then why didn't they say something?" "S/he didn't say anything to me so I figured it was understood." (Sound familiar?)

Are we born knowing how to communicate effectively? The cards seem to be stacked against us. Some experts suggest that we aren't hard-wired to be good communicators. The results of a study conducted by Dr. Ralph Nichols concluded that we communicate 93% of the time not by what we say but by how we say it. If you add in the gender gap-in relation to how men and women communicate differently-you can start to see why communicating is so difficult.

What does it take to be a good communicator? If you had to list five key skills good communicators need to have, what would they be? Patience, empathy, open-mindedness, a good listener, intuitive, self-confident, enjoys being around people, etc.? How do you gain those skills? Can you learn them? (Yes. It's all about developing good habits.)

How important is listening in communicating? Dr. Nichols believes we communicate 40% of the time through listening. A recent study revealed that individuals listen about 25% of the time; most people recall only 50% of what they hear; and 70% of all misunderstandings happen because people do not listen to each other. (Two monologues don't make a dialogue.) Listening is hard work. It's not easy trying to pay attention to the speaker. Humans have the ability to listen at a rate of 100 to 200 words per minute and we have the ability to speak at a rate of 300 to 500 words a minute. (That means we can generally tune out up to 300 words per minute!)

What does this all mean? If you want to ensure that you've been heard, you must find a way to get the other person involved in the conversation. You need to give the other person an opportunity to ask questions, process information and voice an opinion even if it is different than yours. Communication has to be two-way. That's why it's so important to remember that you aren't the most important person in the conversation.


		Mr. Brian Smith - Author, Professional Speaker, College Professor and Training and Performance Consultant - has been in the "people" business for over 37 years, 27 of those years as a general manager for a major Canadian retailer and as an award-winning owner/operator of his own small business. A leading authority on performance improvement and leadership development, Brian has worked with clients both in the public and private sectors, including: Med-Eng Systems, Aecon, I-Stat Canada, and Siemens. Brian is a member of the faculty of Algonquin College's School of Business where he teaches entrepreneurship and business management.