Self Help Tips For Professionals

1. Understand the dynamics of their behavior.
Their messages are "You're incompetent," and "I can't trust you." But what they're feeling inside is anxiety because they feel out-of-control and helpless all the time. What they're trying to do is manage their own anxiety.

2. They'll put a lot more energy into it than you will, or might want to.
If it appears they're fighting for their life, in a sense they are -- their sense of self and well-being depends upon not relinquishing control.

3. This dynamic requires that in order to feel good about themselves, they must put you down.
When interacting with them, stay calm and centered. They tend to instigate a general forcefield of anxiety and tension. Put up your plexiglass shield.

4. Notice how they're trying to make you feel, and don't take the monkey.
“Induced feeling” it's called. Notice it, be aware of it, and know that you don't have to accept it. They're masters at manipulation and the goal is what it feels like - to degrade and humiliate you.

5. Control freaks are adept at distorting reality.
If you remain in the emotional/intellectual vicinity of one, you'll be susceptible to "gaslighting," particularly if your boss or superior is like this.

6. What they're angry and afraid of is a world they perceive dislikes them (guess why?).
Therefore, treat them with respect and you'll be like a slippery pier beam; they can't attach themselves to.

7. Let them control the agenda ...
But you can control the pace. Focus on your breathing, and as their anxiety escalates, escalate your deep breathing. If you're lucky, this may calm them. If not, like the Sumo wrestler, you are now playing their game, and you will lose.

8. Anticipate, look for signs controlling behavior is about to happen.
You may see them rapidly cycle through some predictable stages, first angry and agitated; then panicky; then threats and active intimidation.

9. Understand there's little you can do.
It's compulsive behavior; this means it repeats with or without validation, whether it works or not. If you find yourself in a personal relationship (attachment) like this, and they won't get help, get out.

10. They can't change (without help) ... the anxiety is too high and the reasons not conscious.
This behavior is not rational; if they did "win," they wouldn't notice it ... they must do what they're doing and you're just there.

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